My name is Dawn Marie Roeder and I am a survivor of sudden loss of a loved one. One of the most difficult things I found along my journey of healing were the amount of feelings I could feel at the same time. Very often I had found myself feeling dismay, anxiety, dread, emptiness, panic, fear, sadness, hurt and helpessness, to name a few, at the same time. When I learned through a grief group I attended that this is a normal reaction to trauma and loss I was relieved to discover that I was not losing my mind. Many others who have lost a loved one often feel many emotions at the same time.

A brief summary of my own sudden loss begins in mid-January of 2000 when I began to take a prescription medication to treat ADHD. By mid March, through my doctor’s care, the medication I was taking had been raised in dosage to its level of efficacy. Unfortunately for me and my son the “effect” turned out deadly when I had become delusional and began to hallucinate as a result of the amphetamine based drug. Nathaniel and I were in a terrible car accident in which he died. 

As any loving parent would do, I would have given my life for my child. The survivor’s guilt had been one of the most dreadful of things. I've had to deal with a lot of anger in the after math of the car accident. To have survived had very often felt like a curse and not a blessing. But in order for me to grow and recover I had to face the ball of emotions I was feeling, feel them, which would often be intense and so rest was a necessary part of my healing process and eventually adjust to a new normal. We each deal with trauma and loss in a different way. After my car accident I threw myself into my recovery which included my faith, prayer, journaling and a 5 1/2 year lawsuit to try and make the world a better place which I write about in my book  It Doesn’t End Here: An Amazing Journey of Faith and Forgiveness

I am not a professional counselor. If you experienced a trauma and are finding it difficult to deal with the aftermath, I encourage you to talk to a counselor who specializes in trauma recovery. Although I am not a professional counselor I am a survivor of trauma who found helpful tools to deal with my tragedy. I created the following to help my family and myself take an active part in the healing process after my son’s abrupt death.  I hope these steps may be of help to you or somebody you know. Please feel free to pass them along. These steps can be found in my book

It Doesn’t End Here, on pages 199-200.  ~ Dawn Marie Roeder

12 Step Aid in the Healing Journey of 

Trauma and Severe Loss 

1. We admitted we were powerless over strong feelings of grief and sadness and that our lives sometimes felt unbearable to manage. 

2. Despite our anger and feelings of not being in control of our loved ones death, we made a choice to believe a Power greater than ourselves could restore our hope and sanity. 

3. Made a decision to accept the reality that our child/loved one went home and was not coming back in the way we knew them before. 

4. Made a fearless and searching inventory of the blessings our loved ones left behind: memories, gifts & learnings. 

5. Admitted to God, to ourselves and to another fellow survivor that we made mistakes just as those who have not suffered sudden loss or trauma. 

6. Were entirely ready to allow God to forgive us for not being the perfect person, parent, spouse or loved one. 

7. Humbly asked God to help us accept ourselves for who we were at the time of our loss because we know our child/loved one would want us to. 

8. Made a list of all the people we felt let us down or contributed to the death of our child/loved one. 

9. Made a decision to forgive these persons, organization or circumstances, including ourselves and release the bitterness, pain and resentment to the loving God for healing. 

10. Made a conscious effort to care for our whole person, which includes our physical, emotional, intellectual and spiritual needs. 

11. Give permission to ourselves to laugh and enjoy life without shame or guilt. 

12. Celebrate the life of our child/loved one in a meaningful, tangible way and courageously carry this message of hope and joy to others. 

*While these adapted Steps are inspired by the Twelve Steps of Alcoholics Anonymous, they are not an adaptation. Rather, they were created specifically by the author, published here, and should not be construed otherwise. A.A., which is a program concerned only with recovery from alcoholism, is not in any way affiliated with this publication. 

www.ItDoesntEndHere.com